“Hey Frank, what are you reading?”
Glad you asked. Currently, Im working on The Art of Fielding, by Chad Harbach. Ostensibly about baseball, it is a book that covers such varying and familiar topics that it almost seems to have been written about the CCSL: college, making errors at shortstop, sexually experimenting and expanding your self identity from “straight” to “apparently gay, as noted by the affair I am having with a male student 40 years younger than myself.” Its also about how all things must come to an end, which brings me to this, another bittersweet season recap.
2013 was a, uhh, tumultuous? no. underwhelming? ehh. rainy? yes, rainy season, and it came to a disappointing finish as us Griffons couldn’t seem to link up a few more base hits to avoid the 10-9 loss in a playoff game against The Ogres that was, for once, as close as the score would dictate. I believe the score was, at varying points in the game, 2-0 us, 2-3, 5-5, 8-8, and eventually 9-8 us, holding a lead of one run with 2 innings to go. It was the kind of game where everyone (on both teams) hit nothing but seeds, and the difference in the end was where one or two of those seeds landed. Which, in the Ogre’s case, was in the middle of a game of ultimate frisbee played by a bunch of dorks who obviously read way too much J.K. Rowling.
Oh well. We fucking lost. Try as I might, I can’t seem to put on the extra 150 pounds of muscle it takes to hit a ball as far as the Ogres. Or maybe we haven’t spent enough money on our bats yet? Either way, there’s no chance they’re beating Catahoula after tonight’s blown game, and Phyllis will be furious when Catahoula emerges as the first undefeated champion in league history. As Colach pointed out the other night, they are just like the 1984 Dolphins, which Ryan quickly pointed out was actually the season Miami lost to the 49ers in the Superbowl, but since when did we ever expect Colach to understand how to correctly make an analogy? Photoshop a picture of that, motherfucker!
Since I have no new ground to cover, haven’t seen a new Nic Cage movie in forever, and want to make Ford happy by writing this post (you happy yet?), I suppose its time to hand out some end of season Lynchies
The Golden Lynchy for best new nickname goes to Matty Photo, aka Mustache Jeremy, who earned his new title because Pittsburgh Benson can’t seem to get his name right. A distant second place goes to Tim Tebow, which Pittsburgh Benson desperately tried to make happen, but much like “fetch,” it just wont happen, mainly because you only say it when I am actively swinging a bat and can’t respond even if I wanted to. Mostly, this just points to Pittsburgh Benson being a shitty manager. This award is a golden statue of Lynch smoking a cigarette, pushing a drunken Amy off the field while pointing at Pittsburgh Benson going “booooo my man!”
The Golden Lynchy for most improved player goes to TJ cousins cousins significant other and TJ cousins cousins significant others boyfriend. Just generally good play all around, as well as good drinking habits. This award is a golden statue of Lynch going “ha ha, my man, what exactly the fuck are you trying to say about TJ cousins significant other or whatever the fuck? Lets get some rum.”
The Lifetime Achievement Golden Lynchy goes to Dr. Siebert and his knuckleballing high-jinx, which will sadly be departing us after the 2013 championship. Hes moving to Brooklyn to start wearing Rivers Cuomo-signed glasses and start a business making limited edition screenprinted tote bags with designs based on obscure lyrics from unreleased Animal Collective songs. Or work as a consultant, every time he talks to me all I hear is “IM A DOCTOR IM A DOCTOR I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN PHILADELPHIA BEN FRANKLIN WAS A FUCKING HACK.” I just stop listening. But on a serious note, we will all miss you, especially at Drinkers West on Monday nights this fall. Anyways, this award is a golden statue of Lynch saying “ha ha my man, Frank is now the default best knuckleballer in the CCSL”, and everyone else in the league is standing in the distance kind of like when Captain America died and all the superheroes were at his funeral, and they are all like “Lynch, way too soon man. Way too soon.”
See you all next season. Or tomorrow. Heres to Bane showing up and bombing the field so someone other than these two teams has a chance to win it all in 2014.
WFWH
fartball2012 